Big Ears Teddy

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Jian Gomeshi, I am thinking of you
and how small you must feel

Like a pea in your pod

Of this Big Ears Teddy stuff, that will
tear you up

Of the Big Ears my grandmother knitted me who I called Charlie

Of talking to you two summers ago

And listening to the tape just now,
with a high fever and a sick father

And your father dead.

I listen to myself talk over you and cringe: you were so nice!

Of two smiles, one beneath your own poster when I passed you at the CBC

One, with glassy eyes, at a book launch.

When I was 17, my boyfriend, Mark Berry, hit and punched me;

He tried to break my arm and kicked me; forced me to have sex

Through coercion so it doesn’t count

so it doesn’t count so it doesn’t count so it doesn’t count so it doesn’t count
so it doesn’t count

I am managing to feel sad for you, not him,

As another girl may feel about Mark, not you,

So it doesn’t count that I remember
your radiant face looking into the future

As I, fired just days before, had turned Charlie to a wall

He shouldn’t have to see this.

  • rbt55

    Powerful poem. Thanks Lynn. I am so traumatized by this fallen idol, and all the many many dark corners and bright lobbies this story exposes.

    • lynncrosbie

      Thank you so much!

  • Noreen

    Wonderful Lynn!. Still remember you from Y&R. Hope you are well.

    • lynncrosbie

      I remember you too! Thanks, Noreen. X

  • Sherry Irvine

    Violence and gender inequality remains an important conversation in 2014. Who knew how important? Here in Canada, in our backyard, at our beloved CBC where our Canadian connectedness and values are upheld? In Canada, you say? Betrayal and injustice must begin this conversation anew and what are we, as citizens of this fair land, to do???

    • lynncrosbie

      Thanks for this. X

  • You were able to put it the way no one else has so far. This perspective & insight was needed in the conversation. It was already in the language we were speaking to our partners, to our closest friends, to our own stuffed animals and to ourselves.

    I love the way you write.

    • lynncrosbie

      Thank you, this means a lot.

  • Adam Pottle

    Bravo. Well done, Lynn.

    • lynncrosbie

      Thanks Adam!

  • Brenda Pauls

    Deeply felt your words in my silent first read. Later, even deeper, with tears, as I read it aloud to my husband. Heartfelt thanks! Brenda Pauls Winnipeg MB

    • lynncrosbie

      Thank you! This means a lot, Lynn xo

  • Mave

    I see Jian as someone who surrounded himself with people and institutions that he admired, and basked in their glow as a means of reminding himself everything would be OK. Despite how horribly misogynistic and violent and hurtful and self-absorbed he appears to be, it’s hard not to feel compassion for him, knowing that many of these people and institutions are publicly condemning him. He deserves the condemnation. He probably deserves the pain. He deserves to be held accountable. But it’s still tragic to think of the meteoric rise and fall, and how everything that is happening right now must surely be his worst nightmare. It’s as it should be. It’s as it should be. But sad nonetheless.

    Having said that, my sad feelings are for the long, endless trail of victims he has left in his wake. My sad feelings are for those who felt demeaned, who couldn’t speak up, who felt abandoned and disregarded because everyone knew about Jian for years, but no one did anything. My sad feelings are for those who were hurt physically, emotionally, psychologically. My sad feelings are for everyone who watches this story unfold, and is reminded of their own pain, of the abuse they’ve endured via Jian or someone else, and who are having a harder time sleeping, who are walking through their days a bit sadder than before, a bit triggered. My sadness is for those who can’t speak out. Who haven’t yet found their voice.

    Most of all, my sad feelings are for all women everywhere, who will continue to live in a world where they are abused, disrespected, mocked, scorned, hated, kept down. Where victims are not believed, where a man’s ego, or his power, or his voice, or his physical gratification is more important than her pain, or than her hopes and dreams and talents. We have a long, long way to go yet.

    • lynncrosbie

      Nicely said.

  • Lynn – this is so stellar and so succinct and broad simutaneously. I told my husband about an assault (I just retyped over “incident” – this is the issue) that was really rape that happened 15 years ago long before we were together…I said it in a no big deal way. He was so shocked that the next day he wanted to talk about it. I realized like so many, the asshole was a friend…a co-worker…someone I worked with at Summer Camp and had to live alongside for the balance of the summer. I over time completely reframed the story. I read the #beenrapedneverreported and realized I was in that club…if you had asked me a month ago would have said without realizing I was in denial that nothing like that had never happened to me, but it did…and how many more others like me? Too many. Thank you. This is beautiful.

    • lynncrosbie

      Oh, I hate that. And I love your letter. Not being alone is the main thing. Thank you so much, Lynn x

  • Stephen

    The vile things we do to each other must surely spring from our weaknesses. Brave words such as yours offer strength. My heart chooses strength.
    I thank you madame.

    • lynncrosbie

      And I thank you. Great letter. X

    • Sara

      I have known the likes of him– flamboyant with charisma, drawing us all in like moths so that incredulity blinds us, our eyes too bruised to see the truth when it hits us hard in the face; only the memory of the burning flame remains: you were so nice!

      True, the likes of him have their own tragedies, and we must remember their humanity as they forget others’–

      Stephen said the vile things we do must spring from our weakness. I like you Stephen, valiant human.

      – as vile as it may seem to us, we must remember their humanity. Lynn, this is your strength.

      Your poem is perfect. The photo is perfect.
      xox

      • lynncrosbie

        You are perfect. Thank you! X

  • Tori Smith

    thanks for this – you capture the intimacy of this awful nightmarish story.

    • lynncrosbie

      Thank you, Tori.

  • elaine corden

    Thanks, Lynn. Excellent.

    • lynncrosbie

      Thank _you_!

  • Jake

    My daughter has a stuffy she carts around. She takes him to school in her backpack He is there to be her friend when she gets worried. She is there for him when he gets worried. My stomach drops when I think about the torment somebody else’s daughter or friend had to experience at the hands of an unrealized man. I want it to end.

    • lynncrosbie

      Thank you for this. Absolutely felt.

  • Brighid Bowman

    excellent

    • lynncrosbie

      Thank you!

  • Astrida

    Thank you. We need more than more opinions. Thank you.

    • lynncrosbie

      Thanks, Astrida. That means a lot.

  • Mary Elizabeth Catherine Rogan (yours in Christ)

    One person can do so much damage. It almost seems physically impossible. Like evilness can fly, or sprout even more evil clones, and be a thousand places of misery at the same time without even getting short of breath. It’s fucking horrifying what one person can do. And then another person, you, can wipe all that premature ejaculate of rage away with words like these. Bless you Lynn Crosbie. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you.

    • lynncrosbie

      Wow, your letter blows me away. Thank you! X

  • I love what you do Lady.

    • lynncrosbie

      And you, and you! Xo

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